"There is more mercy in Christ, than sin in me."
If I look back on my life and all of the mess I was born into and made for myself, I am struck by one constant among the chaos; A loving God in constant pursuit of my heart. A motherless child, a rebellious youth, a teenage mother; and God wanted me? That will never cease to cause my heart wonder, take my breath away and make me stand in complete awe.
Despite a tumultuous childhood, I did grow up in and around church. My first memory of "asking Jesus into my heart" was at the Nazarene church my grandparents attended. My view of God as a small child was of an angry bearded glowing man, who lived on a cloud and would send me to Hell if I didn't ask him to forgive my sin each night before I went to sleep. Sadly, I'm not joking or exaggerating. Each night, I would pray and ask Jesus to forgive me for lying to my Dad, pulling my sisters hair and whatever naughtiness and mischief my day had included. Then every night I would again ask Jesus into my heart and pray that I had done enough and said the right words. This continued throughout most of my childhood.
When I became a teenager, I started attending a new church on my own. During this time my love for God and knowledge of his word began to grow. I learned that I could have a "relationship" with God and that he was not an angry, bearded glowing man sitting on a cloud. I faithfully attended church, was moved to tears at youth events and even began sharing the good news with others. So why was I still stuck in habitual sin? Why did I still desire the love of my friends and peers more than the love of Christ? Why did I constantly forget the God I promised my heart to? I was so unfaithful and lost. I turned to relationships in an attempt to feel secure and in the end found myself in the pit of despair; Broken, abused and a single mother. But still God never left my side. Every single time I hit rock bottom and fell to my knees, he was there tenderly loving me, healing my wounds and calling me back to him.
I wish this was the end of my unfaithfulness to God. But it wasn't. I continued to live a lukewarm life of watered down Christianity. I had one foot firmly planted in the world even as I sat in church, even as I was baptized, and actively participated in bible studies. I wanted to obey, but I was constantly failing. I wanted to be a light to my friends, but I was constantly pulled down into darkness. My life was divided. At church I sang praises with all of my heart and passionately worshiped him. But throughout my day to day living I was rejecting his will, living in the world, and choosing to please others over God. I was not the mother, wife or friend that God had called me to be. I was constantly failing, constantly falling and for me, this was the lowest time in my life. If you knew the details of my life story, this might surprise you. But, this was a darkness deeper than depression, more painful than abuse and it left me more broken than any abandonment. It was my rock bottom. And it broke me.
"Salvation is free but discipleship will cost you your life."
For the first time, I felt the full weight of my sin and saw the hopeless wretch I was apart from grace. And as I pondered over the sacrifice Christ made for my sin, I was for the first time in my life truly gripped by the gospel. The good news, is really good. The good news does not allow for lukewarm devotion. Christ's call is one that says, you must die to yourself. You must lose your life, in order to gain new life in Him. There is nothing half hearted about Christianity.
I sit here trying to find words to describe the new life He has given me. He has done so great a work in my heart and it has lead to so great a change in my life. I simply cannot say enough about all He has done. My love for God and others is uncontainable. My passions and desires are shifting. My praying is constant. The transforming power of the gospel is unmistakable. There is joy and life abundant. I will never get over his faithful pursuit of my heart. It is a beautiful mystery to me, that God saw fit to save such a sinner as me. And I will never stop praising and sharing this news that is truly truly good.
Looking back on my life, I cannot pinpoint the exact moment of my salvation. But, I know with certainty that I am not only saved by his grace, but I am truly a follower of Christ and I have given him my life, as an offering that will never come close to repaying the debt he paid for me. Today my friends, let the gospel grip your heart like never before. And let the good news lead you to life abundant. It is only in Christ. To God be the glory.
